Late Night Quotes

The former Iraqi Minister of Information has gotten a new job. He's the new fact checker for the New York Times.
(Jay Leno)

The L.A. Times said the U.S. missed Saddam Hussein when it dropped four one-ton bombs on a Baghdad restaurant. Witnesses say he was out of the restaurant before the bombs hit. So cutting out desserts saved his life, just like the doctor told him.
(Argus Hamilton)

Harvard Business School announced that, in recognition of massive tax cuts coupled with rising deficits, they will be awarding President Bush an Honorary Doctorate in Deep Doo-Doo Economics.
(Ken Pinkham)

Did you see what made this week's New York Times bestseller list for fiction? Did you see it? It was the New York Times
(David Letterman)

Gelding Funny Cide is one win away from the triple crown. He's sort of the Phil Michelson of horse racing. He's got a noticeable slice.
(Alan Ray)

The White House said yesterday that Amtrak won't be shut down. Officials say they will find a way to balance the books and keep the doors open. It sounds like we just found out where Arthur Andersen will be performing its community service hours.
(Clean Laffs)

Alabama Governor Bob Riley proposed a tax increase to offset the huge budget deficits. He may lay off three thousand teachers. State workers are so worried about being fired that Alabama's new football coach won't even shop at a strip mall.
(Argus Hamilton)

The Moonlight Bunny Ranch and Brothel in Nevada hosted an official delegation from six Asian nations last weekend. Talk about wandering off-message. This is a place where you're far more likely to hear about protection than you are free trade.
(Argus Hamilton)

Some of the extreme fundamentalist Muslim countries are now requiring all Muslim girls over the age of 18 to shave all their pubic hair as a sign of defiance to the West. International news reporters are saying that the anti-Bush campaign has gone too far.
(Bambi)

By the way we have captured Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein earlier today. I guess it's true, I read it in the New York Times.
(David Letterman)

Here's another sign the economy isn't doing well: plastic surgeries down 12% this year. That's what they mean when they say the economy could get ugly.
(Jay Leno)

White House spokesman Ari Fleischer announced that he is leaving his job. After 21 years of government Fleischer said he wants to lie in the private sector
(Conan O'Brien)

The Bush Administration said there will be a delay in restoring a newly elected democratic government in Iraq. However, they said the delay will not be as long as the one we have had in this country.
(Jay Leno)