Peig sayers problem

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Dear Peig,
I am small for my age (14) and I am being bullied in school by the bigger boys. They take my lunch every day and then beat me up, just for the craic. Who should I turn to? Should I tell the headmaster?

Are you mental? As every decent Irish person knows, an informer is the lowest form of human life. You have plenty of other options: Why not sneak around to their houses at night with some petrol and torch them? Or get yourself a vicious dog and train him to attack. If they keep taking your lunch, why not poison your food, then shed crocodile tears as they are carted off to the hospital. But remember, whatever you say, say nothing - especially to the teachers, your parents, the gardai, and the judge. When you appear in the dock, simply give a clenched fist salute and say: "I refuse to recognise the authority of this court."

Peig Sayers

Dear Peig,
I am 15 and I have been going out with 'Dangerous Daithi' for three months. I am very happy, like, when I'm kissing him, but he keeps pestering me to go to 'the whole way'. He says that if I really loved him I would do 'it'. He also says that if we do 'the bad thing' standing up it is biologically impossible for me to get, you know. I just don't feel that I'm 'ready'. What should I do?

Stop whining and get on with it, girl! How can young Daithi be sure of your love unless you're willing to go the whole way with him? If you're nervous, just knock back a few Bacardi Breezers to steady your nerves. And as a trained nurse, I can tell you that doing the bad thing standing up -- or to use the Latin, Jobus Standiupus -- is totally safe.